This story begins on June 30, 2013 when I discovered a lump in my left breast. That day has changed my life forever – some ways good, some ways not so good. If you would like to read the journey about my battle with breast cancer from the beginning, click here.
If you only want to read the post right before this one, click here.
The Diagnosis – Now What?
On that Wednesday, August 2, 2013, as I left the office after my mammogram, I scheduled an appointment to come back on Friday morning to get the results. At the time it seemed like a long time to have to wait when it feels like your life is in the balance. Looking back, it was a long time.
The days did drag by. They were filled with times of misgivings and fears, followed by lots of prayers and supplication. After a night of troubled sleep, Friday morning finally rolled around filled with hope and fear … and anticipation … hoping the news would be good … dreading that it might be bad.
As I was preparing to face the day, my phone rang. It was the clinic. They said they did not see that I had an appointment, but since my results had come in, they wanted to make sure that I could come in for the results. I assured them I had plans to come in at my appointed time.
They didn’t fool me. We both knew I had an appointment. That phone call alerted me to a truth that I knew and I knew they knew … the news was going to be bad. I shed a few tears, and told myself that I shouldn’t let my imagination run away with me. The results didn’t have to be bad … the results had just come in and they were verifying that I was indeed coming in. But I still had a horrible nagging suspicion.
At first, I thought about not telling my husband; but half an hour later, I decided he deserved to know what I knew so he could prepare himself a little bit for what lay ahead of us. When I told him about the phone call, he bowed his head and his shoulders slumped; and he said, “That’s not good.”
Standing together holding each other tightly, we both began to try to come to grips with the news we knew we were about to hear. But still, I hoped against hope. I did not want it to be true. I didn’t want to go through this. My brain desperately searched for somewhere to escape but found no such place.
After Criss and I got to the clinic, we prayed for God’s will to be done in this situation. We prayed that the tumor was benign or even gone, but as I felt my chest, I knew that hadn’t happened. Then we just prayed …
We were escorted into the doctor’s office. Although it was probably only 10-15 minutes that we sat and waited for the doctor to come in to talk to us, it felt like so much longer. We nervously exchanged smiles and small talk as we waited, and a lump began to form in my throat. I resolved that I was not going to cry when we got the news. I wanted to be strong … for me … and for Criss.
The doctor finally came in and shared the news. The biopsy was malignant! The waiting was over …
The emotions that I had been blocking all came rushing in on me as I listened to the words she was saying, and the dam broke. I felt my eyes fill with tears … tears that demanded to be shed despite my earlier resolve. No … I must be in control. I pulled it together as the doctor asked if we had any questions. And it worked for a moment …
I don’t remember what questions we asked. I just remember thinking about how this was affecting the man that I loved, and knowing he would do anything to protect me, and it was at that moment that the sobs and tears overtook me. I looked at him, and saw my pain mirrored on his face … my sadness mirrored in his eyes. He reached out his hand to me, and I clung to it drawing from his strength. And I thanked God for the man He had provided to help me make it through this journey. A prayer of thanks that I have since repeated many times.
We left the doctor’s office with instructions to meet a surgeon to discuss the options for the next step in the journey – surgery to remove the lump.
But I found myself having to battle my own mind, even before the day was over.
Click here to read the next post about my cancer journey.
The bills continue to pile up as Cindy battles cancer. If you would like to make a donation to help her battle the cancer, an account has been set up at GoFundMe. Your donations are appreciated.